And remember, it’s never too early to begin preparing for next Christmas.
Mista-Boehner (A Pre-Christmas Tale)
Twas a night in November, and all through the House
John Boehner spent drinking,and got soused as a louse
As the votes trickled in, he chuckled and grinned
“Dumb sonsabitches, they’ll never know how we’ve sinned
The lobbyists were all partying it would be just as they said
As delusions of grandeur entered Boehner’s pickled head
And Mama in spandex and I in old shorts
Sat down gloomily awaiting the election reports
When there on my TV I saw not Brutus nor young Cassius
But a red tidal wave spreading hate weaving Fascist
The sight was so sickening I wished I could chuck it
Then proceeded to do so in a rusting waste bucket
The moon was a crescent, just a sliver of hope
Yet results streaming in favored the party of nope
As I looked back at the screen through dismay and cold fear
I saw the besotted Congressman all choked up with tears
He was a cagey K-Street driver with devices so slick
I knew in a moment he’d be up to old tricks
A well seasoned veteran well versed in the game
And as tears issued forth he called us by name
“Now Americans one, now Americans all
Your voice has been heard, let the Democrats fall
In your grandiose mansions to the Country Club hall
Stash away, stash away, stash the cash away all”
Then with reverent voice and a trembling chin
He basked in the moment in Coppertoned skin
As he stood at the podium denying existence of blue
He proclaimed virtues of red and the Tea Party too
And with no lack of conceit he now spoke for the nation
A plutocratic voice feigning faux lamentation
So I settled back in and turned up the sound
As “the voice of America” began to expound
He exclaimed that the country had been returned to the people
And spoke of his faith as if standing ‘neath steeple
He was dressed in the requisite Armani suit
With patent leather shoes… and a red schnazzola to boot
Along side him was resting an invisible sack
Stuffed full of corporate favors he’d have to pay back
His eyes were quite misty concealing a shrouded wrath
As he recalled his early days and his arduous path
With quivering mouth slurring words fast and slow
And by the moment’s conclusion, he’d put on quite a show
He held no smoking pipe between tax payer teeth
And his government health club kept his figure most sleek
I must admit now that his speech was quite smelly
But he laughed at the end shaking like jelly
He gave the impression of sincere, half baked loaf
But only yesterday’s fool is duped by corporate owned oaf
Then, as he dabbed at both eyes and upheld his head
I could see in that face we had something to dread
He strolled off the stage to thunderous claps
As my wife and I sat pondering fellow American saps
Before leaving the room he shook many hands
Nodding and winking to his monetized bands
And then in a flash something less than a wink
He was gone, presumably, to imbibe one more drink
Now, I still hear his voice and this be no jest
The elite can sleep tight…and to hell with the rest
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were not hung by the chimney this year,
we had hopes that unemployment checks soon would be here.
The members of congress were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of corporate welfare danced in their heads.
Mamma Pelosi in her Victoria’s Secret Gown, had just settled her brain with a stiff shot of Royal Crown.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the toilet to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
a little bit stoned and spilling my stash.
The moon on Nancy’s breasts like the new-fallen snow
gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature John Boehner with a six pack of beer!
With a drunken blond by his side, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment she was gonna be sick.
More rapid than IRS agents his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
“Now McConnell! now, Cantor! now, Wilcox and Harris!
On, Garret! On, Flake! On, McHenry and Poe!
To the top of the Hill! To the top of congress we go!
Now steal the money! Take away all!”
They were so drunk I saw one of them fall.
Only dry leaves remained before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, they mount to the sky.
So up to the house the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Bush Tax Cuts and Lobby cash too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little goof.
As I scratched my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney John Boehner came with a bound.
He was dressed all in leather, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes wreaked of liquor and were tarnished with soot.
Ten Kilos of earmarks he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, selling his sack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! His nipples so hairy!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
He votes like a crook and he cries like a Mary!
His drooling little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
His moustache was white from Columbian blow.
The stump of a crack pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had an orange face and a fat man’s belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly orange elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
With a tear in his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me the creeps and filled me with dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Republicans love him but he’s really a jerk.
He fills corporate pockets, buys votes on the floor
When it comes to tobacco he will throw in a whore.
While digging his finger inside of his nose,
he snorted hard liquor, then up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like Prom Queens in a tissle.
I heard him cry, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Unemployment to all, I am such an ass bite!”